For a significant amount of my secondary school career I was defined by comparison. From year 8 to year 11, I went to the same school and shared classes with my friend and namesake Ifeoluwa Ifekoya. Many titles were given to us in an attempt to differentiate us, most of them based on highlighting our differences. ‘Ifeoluwa Tall’ and ‘Ifeoluwa Short’; ‘Sporty Ifeoluwa’ and ‘Funny Ifeoluwa’; and ‘Loud Ifeoluwa’ and ‘Quiet Ifeoluwa’ were just a few of the names given to distinguish us.  It’s funny looking back that no one seemed to opt for the regular surname approach. Now, I appreciate that Yoruba surnames aren’t the easiest to pronounce for English people, but never once did I hear someone call us ‘Ifeoluwa I’ and ‘Ifeoluwa Y’. Anyway, I digressed, my point is that comparison was and still is a big part of my life. It is something that is inevitable and ingrained in human nature: we all compare ourselves to others, compare other people and things and get compared by others. Many view measuring yourself against others to be a nasty nature which needs to be eradicated. However, whilst I think it’s unhealthy to be consumed with comparison, in some situations it can be beneficial to draw parallels between one another.

Currently, a lot of my friends are on the verge of 20 and trying to figure out where all their teenage years went. They have lived through three decades, two centuries and two millennia and what do they have to show for it? At the age of 13, Ellie Simmonds won her first Paralympic gold medal; Malala Yousafzai won a Nobel Peace Prize when she was 17, yet, here they are exiting their teenage years with nothing more to show for it than some academic qualifications and a few nice memories. When looking at it from this perspective it’s a bit depressing. This is the type of comparison that is slightly unhealthy and when these sorts of thoughts begin to consume you it can become toxic. It’s making the assumption that we are all running in the same race in life. It’s assuming that we are all moving towards the same destination.

For many years I was guilty of this mentality to life, but in a more subtle way. I have gone through my teens witnessing my friends go through a range of different suffering, from loss to issues with gender identity to depression and suicide. In comparison to their struggles my own personal issues seemed trivial. So, I lived with the façade that my life was perfectly fine. Instead of confronting my own problems I swept them under the rug and let them grow. In relation to what was going on around me, my troubles seemed insignificant. What I failed to appreciate was that I was living a different life to my friends. Whilst what I was dealing with may have been minor issues for them, they were still pressing matters for me.

Regina Brett said, “don’t compare yourselves to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.” In my case that would have been a good advice to listen to. However, though I agree with the sentiment of the statement, I think it is too dismissive of the positive aspects of comparison.

When used correctly, comparison can be constructive, and it can be a source of motivation rather than depression. I believe we are all running different races in life, but intermittently our paths align with others. This provides the opportunity for us to grow and push each other to keep going. You can use the lives of others as examples of things to either strive for or avoid. It can be very helpful to reference the journeys of others from time to time, you just need to ensure that you aren’t trying to steal their stories.

Personally, having a namesake in my class that I was being compared to frequently was of benefit to me. Ifekoya and I were of similar academic capabilities and she had, and still has, a lot of admirable qualities that I lack. I easily could have become jealous of her intelligence, her upbeat personality, and her people skills; however, I chose to channel any feelings of envy into purpose. Being around her helped show me the direction I should be aiming in. I knew my personal destination wasn’t to become her, but having her move in parallel with me bred some healthy competition and pushed me to become better. We gave each other motivation to strive higher. Being juxtaposed to one another helped us grow as individuals working toward our own unique purposes.

So, I don’t think comparison is always the destructive force that people make it out to be. When one is consumed by it, it can make their existence difficult and can be detrimental, however, it can also be a tool of motivation. It is good to draw inspiration from others, but, at the end of the day, we all need to accept that we cannot be anyone but ourselves.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

– Oscar Wilde