I’m currently in a period that I have termed ‘blissful unemployment’. I have finished one job, and have a few weeks off before the new one starts. During periods like this, I like to take a moment to pause and do some introspection. While reflecting on my life at various periods in time, some thoughts and feelings arose; so, I decided to write a series of letters to my past, future and present.

This is the first one: to days gone by.

Dear Past,

I could come to you today and write a letter about the journey we’ve been on. The ups, the downs; the highs, the lows and everything in between.

I could write down advice that I would give you, if I could go back in time. Provide words of affirmation, tell you that everything is going to be alright. But I won’t. At least, not today.

Past, I love you dearly, but you annoy me greatly (especially circa 2015 to yesterday).

You had the audacity to set the bar so high. To strive for success that often seemed unattainable, yet inexplicably achieve it. But at the same time, you developed self-destructive habits. Habits that have introduced additional obstacles to new ventures.

Now, I am left handicapped by your poor choices, yet expected to live up to and exceed the greatness left in your wake.

You did me dirty, you rigged the game.

At times you were really only looking out for yourself; not considering its knock-on effects to the present version of me and the various iterations to come.

Rude.

…

Okay, I am being a little harsh. I’m stripping your actions of the context in which they were taken. I do appreciate that, generally, you were trying to do your best. You didn’t have it easy. At times the goal was to simply survive the hurricanes of life and deal with the collateral later.

One thing I truly admire is the resilience you have shown throughout.

I think I tend to be a little tough because throughout your history you have shown so much potential. A big fear of mine is that I will never fully realise it all. I’m afraid that I will squander that which you spent so much time and energy building for me. But that’s my problem, not yours.

You are simply days gone by.

You may be the foundation upon which my future is built, but ultimately, you don’t determine the outcomes of tomorrow.

Could you have helped me out a little more by building a few healthier habits, learning to better deal with emotions, maybe have spent a few less weekends hyper-fixated on random police and medical dramas? Perhaps… But it’s very easy to point fingers and lay blame, knowing there is nothing you can do to defend yourself.

At the end of the day, I am who I am because of you. I’m still a long way from where I want to end up (honestly, I’m not quite sure where that is), but I’m happy with our journey thus far.

You did an okay job, I guess.

Okay, maybe slightly better than okay.

I can take it from here.

I make no promises to be perfect but I will continue pursuing progress.

I’ll do my best to not let your hard work be wasted.

Much love,

Present.